How To Escape Hogwarts For Dummies
by Emerald Cranberry Juice
Summary: Elena Bowman doesn't want to go to Hogwarts, thank you very much.  She likes her life as a Muggle.  And no one, not even super-mega-foxy-awesome-hot Scorpious Malfoy, will stop her from breaking out.
1. Chapter 1

AN: For those of you that happen to haunt the Degrassi story board, you will see that I have not finished "The Thief." Writer's block. What can I say? Anyway, just a little story made up from a very long night in pit band.

Enjoy! Oh and please R&R (psst, I'm not the fabulous JK that owns Harry Potter).

Chapter One

"Aunt Mabel!" I called, my hands shaking as I clenched the envelope. It was the exact same shade of parchment that haunted me in my nightmares. It was the envelope that gave word of the end of my freedom. It was the envelope that brought about my imminent doom.

Aunt Mabel, however, didn't come running. Not that I expected her to. Normally, Aunt Mabel was more concerned with reading the gossip column of Witch Weekly than with whatever "damn shenanigans" I got myself into this time. She had this tendency to think the worst of me.

Most of the time she was right.

So what if one person "accidently" lets her Aunt's pet niffler, Rodolfo, into the house? Or uses the cat as a test subject for Transfiguration. Or instead of using Billywig parts in a Babbling potion, uses the rare Dragon Heartstrings (I don't know where she got those in the first place), causing the whole kitchen to smell for the next two months. Or…

Let's face it. I'm a screw up.

"Aunt Mabel!" I called, again. "It's the you-know-what!"

She let out a shriek and came running (oh, now she runs) as fast as her pudgy legs could carry her. Her yellow hair was in disarray (no, I'm not color blind, her hair is literally yellow) and her dark brown eyes wild. She snatched the letter out of my hand. Her hands began shaking as she slid the maroon seal off.

"Aunt Mabel? What does it say?"

"Shut up, you little poof," she snapped. I rolled my eyes. Little poof? Out of all of the insulting names she's called me in the past; I will be the first to admit that I am quite disappointed at her lack of creativity.

She sank into the over-cushioned chair behind her. Her tiny feet dangled off the edge, violently shaking in time with her hands. Her hand flew to her mouth as she read the first letter. "Continue it for me, Elena. I can read no more!"

I choked down a snort. Diva much? Try living with her for the past twelve years. I cleared my throat:

"Miss Bowman,

We are pleased to inform you that you have been accepted into Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry."

I looked up at Aunt Mabel, who was sobbing into a Kleenex.

"However, we must commend your relative, Mabel Bowman, for keeping your powers a secret for the past fourteen years. Understandably, when magic was taking place at your residence, we believed that it was of your aunt's doing, not yours. Ironically, we did not even know you were alive, much less living with your aunt."

I laughed. "Wow, powerful Hogwarts used two adverbs in a row. You would think that being a magic school and all they could come up with a better way to start a sentence. Did you know-?"

"Keep reading!" Aunt Mabel barked.

Touchy. Nobody cares about grammar these days.

"While attending Hogwarts has never been a requirement for magical children, there must be consequences for you infraction of the law."

I gulped. Oh no. They know what I did.

"What are they talking about, Elena?" Aunt Mabel asked. In the back of my head, I could feel the memories of yesterday's incident come to the front of my mind. All of sudden Mr. Harold's face came swimming before my very eyes. His blue eyes wide paralyzed with fear. Legilimency. Ah, Aunt Mabel, you sly dog.

Take a deep breath. Clear your mind. Ohm ya. Ohm ya.

"Well, girl?"

SUCCESS! "I have no idea," I responded. "Anyway…"

"Instead of teaching you to keep your magic a secret, Mabel has nearly exposed the magical world. You must be taught control. Since the Ministry of Magic cannot punish you with the severity that you deserve (simply because you do not know better), the Ministry has mandated that you attend Hogwarts."

"A Hogwarts representative will be at your residence tomorrow to escort you to Hogwarts. Have a pleasant day. Sincerely, Minerva McGonagall (Headmistress of Hogwarts)"

I looked up at her. "Are we seriously going to go along with this?"

She buried her face into her hands. "I don't think we have that much of a choice. Trust me, I don't want you to go to that awful school either."

I bit my lip. As much as Aunt Mabel is an old pain in the neck, I really do love her. I mean she practically gave up her independence to take me in when Mum and Dad died in the accident. Unfortunately, the Ministry thought I died too. So Aunt Mabel sent me to the Muggle school down the road. It was nice. School was an escape from Aunt Mabel and from this world, the magical world.

But once I turned eight, funny things began happening to me. Like resurrecting the frog I was supposed to be dissecting. Or turning my uniform bright pink. Or vanishing Aunt Mabel's meatloaf. I know Aunt Mabel was disappointed when she discovered my powers; she hoped they skipped me.

But they didn't.

So Aunt Mabel began to train me, using her old school books and my father's wand. Muggle school by day, magic lessons by night. It was very Batman-esque. Besides the fact that I didn't put on a cloak and run around fighting bad guys. But that's not the point.

Aunt Mabel never told me precisely why she didn't want me to attend Hogwarts. Besides her ranting and raving how it was "too dangerous" and "an awful school all round," that "I'd be better growing up in the Muggle world." To be honest, I was fine with that. What sane fourteen year old girl wants to go to boarding school, away from all of her friends? Never able to go to prom, or go to football games, or be normal.

I just wanted to learn how to control these blast powers so that they didn't go all crazy. Lately, that hasn't always been the case.

I looked around at our tiny living room, remembering all of the memories. The time when Taylor and I snuck in after our little "trip" to London to see Coldplay. When my friends came here after the last polo game and I almost kissed Devin. When Aunt Mabel explained to me what sex was (using potion bottles of course). And just life in general. Sure these past fourteen years (twelve living with Mabel) have been chaotic, but this is home. I don't want to live anywhere else.

Aunt Mabel swore under her breath. "I don't think there's that much we can do. Just go and suck it up. But don't worry, I'm getting over to the Ministry and talking to those buffoons. They can't just _order_ someone to get an education. It's practically Communist!"

I laughed. Now there's the Aunt Mabel I know and love. "Do I have to go? Really? This isn't just an optional thing that I can opt out of? Or can I give up my powers?" I've seen witches do it in that American show, _Charmed._ Not that my magic is anything like that.

Aunt Mabel smiled sadly. "Sorry. No such thing." Her eyes narrowed. "Be honest with me, Elena. Did you use magic in public?"

I gulped. "Uh, no?"

She leaned in; her brown eyes an inch away from my hazel ones. I could practically taste the sherry on her breath. "You know, that would be the only way they could find you. Now, let's try this again. Did you use magic outside of this house?"

Seal your mind. I focused on Coldplay lyrics. "No, ma'am. I did not."

She stared at me. If she found out about the stunt I pulled at school, then I'd be toast. There's no way she'd fight the Ministry then.

"Fine. Go upstairs and pack. I'm going to start cleaning the cauldron."

I didn't need to be told twice. I bounded up the stairs and sank onto my bed. I stared at the glow-in-the-dark stars on the ceiling.

Going to Hogwarts wasn't in the plan. I was going to learn the minimum amount of magic, focus on my Muggle studies and go to college to study Pre-Med. I'd meet the man of my dreams and we'd fall in love. Then he'd propose on graduation. I'd reject him, saying that I need to focus on me, before I can focus on a "we." He'd be devastated. I'd be devastated. But I'd come out on top and be a fantastic doctor.

I pulled my wand out of my pocket. Nine inch Willow with a Unicorn hair core. "_Lumos_," I muttered. A small ball of light appeared at the tip of my wand. Shadows danced across my walls, rising and falling with the strength of the orb. Very gently, I swung my wrist and the ball of light detached and hung over my head.

No, I'm not meant for this world.

But if they're going to force me to go, then I'm going to force them to kick me out.


	2. Chapter 2

AN: Just a note… I do love Harry Potter. I'm not a HP hater writing a story.

Chapter Two

"Hello?" I said groggily. I looked at my alarm clock next to my bed. One in the morning. Who in God's name calls someone at one in the morning!

"Why didn't you tell me you were going to boarding school!" Taylor screamed.

I forgot. Taylor, my Coldplay-loving-dramatic-Mr. Darcy-obsessed-brilliant best friend, calls me at one in the morning. Usually just because she feels like it. I let out a groan. "Tay, I'm sorry, I just found out last night."

"I'm sorry, but you can't go."

I rolled my eyes. "And why can't I?"

"Because I need my best friend!"

I glanced at my packed trunk. Mum's old Hogwarts robes lay atop it, mocking me senselessly. Before I went to bed, Aunt Mabel brought this book (_Hogwarts, A History_ I think it was called) to me. Besides using to kill a spider, I found out that not only are electronics outlawed (ie: iPods, cell phones, kindles), but they won't work. Like no service 24/7. So my only way to contact Aunt Mabel and my friends is via snail mail.

How am I supposed to explain to my Muggle best friend that an owl with large yellow eyes will arrive at her doorstep bringing news of my week at magic school? Oh yeah, that doesn't sound crazy _at all._

"Elena?"

"Still here, Tay."

She let out a sigh. "How can your Aunt just ship you off like that? School already started." Oh but no worries! Hogwarts hasn't started! So I haven't missed anything!

"Plus, we were going to go Homecoming dress shopping this weekend!"

You mean the one dance that Devin asked me to? My first high school dance? The same dress that I eyed over the summer with silky blue material that looked amazing with my dark curls and ivory skin? The same dress that some little poof (oh God, I'm becoming Aunt Mabel) like Frannie Diradelli will buy?

"It's not a big deal," I choked out. But it was. This year was supposed to be perfect: perfect guy, perfect friends, perfect everything God damnit! "You know that if I had the choice I'd stay here, but I can't."

"But why? Why did your Aunt enroll you at St. Margaret-Mary's only to pull you out the second week?" I didn't respond. What am I supposed to tell her? "Does she think that the prank was your fault?"

Ah, the prank. "I don't think she knows about it."

"Then what!"

I took a deep breath. "Aunt Mabel doesn't want me here because…" I could feel the tears welling up. But I went on and said the poisonous words. "Because she thinks you're a bad influence on me."

Taylor didn't respond. I could picture her sitting crossed-legged on her bed, digging her nails into her bare legs. Taylor never let her mask down, let weakness through. She was strong. And I just broke through her façade.

Aunt Mabel told me that everything would work itself out, that everything happens for a reason. She said that I had to lie to my friends to protect them. The more they knew about _my _world, the more they would be in danger.

"Well, then. Bye, Elena."

"Wait, Tay!"

But there was only dial-tone. In a total of ninety seconds I burned the bridge with my best friend.

I don't care if I have the world's best magical education. I just wish that I could take back everything that I just said. Why couldn't I just tell Taylor the truth? But a little voice inside of my head reminded me:

"Because, Elena, nobody cares if you're happy as long as they get what they want."

I slammed my phone shut and threw it at the wall. I heard a faint _crack! _Swearing under my breath, I leapt off the bed and retrieved my phone from the pile of dirty clothes it fell into. Sure enough a crack ran across the screen. I grabbed my wand. Clearing my throat, I muttered "_Reparo." _The crack disappeared.

I tucked my phone at the bottom of my trunk. I'll find a way to make my phone work. If I'm stuck talking to a bunch of magical nerds for the next few months, I'll go crazy. I smiled to myself, maybe I won't have to if I'm already expelled.

"Elena!" Aunt Mabel continued to pound on my bedroom door. "Elena! Get your lazy butt into the shower! They'll be here in five minutes!"

I groaned and pulled my covers back over my head. Do you think they'd expel me for smelling like month old ham? "No thanks!" I called.

Aunt Mabel threw open the door. "_AGUAMENTI!" _A jet of water soaked through my comforter. I screamed and tumbled out of bed. "If you won't wash yourself than I will! _Aguamenti!" _The ice cold water drenched me.

"REALLY?" I bellowed. I snatched my towel and bathrobe off of my desk chair and stomped into the bathroom. I just love having a witch for a guardian. Who needs alarm clocks when you have Aunt Mabel? Don't worry if the carpet is ruined, or if your homework gets wet! Just tell your teacher that her magic wand got a little over zealous.

No problem.

Five quick minutes later (complete with a random burst of cold water from Aunt Mabel to keep me moving), I dragged my trunk down the stairs, making sure that it hit every step with a deafening _thud! _Aunt Mabel glared at me from behind her Witch Weekly magazine.

She jumped up and grabbed the cauldron from the kitchen. "Now, I stuck some of extra potion ingredients in there. Don't let them tell you how to handle your potions. I've taught you better than that."

I rolled my eyes. Obviously she forgot the multiple times I've caused minor explosions in the kitchen. "Promise me you'll talk to the Ministry."

"I promise."

I raised my eyebrows. "I'm being serious."

She grabbed me and hugged me. "It's going to be fine, Elena. I'm going to work it all out." Trust me, for a split second I almost believed her. I wanted to believe her. Honestly, the only way that everything will "work itself out" is if I'm back here, at St. Margaret-Mary's Academy. From then on I'll never use my powers again. Dear Higher Being, Superior Powers in the Heavens, don't make me go.

_Knock! Knock! _"I'm here to pick up an Elena Bowman."

Damn you all.

Aunt Mabel gave me a quick hug. "Keep your nose clean. Show them that you have control over your magic." She opened the door.

In our tiny doorway stood the largest man I've ever seen. He bent over to get through the door. His face was covered in a grizzly black beard, streaked with grey. His tire-sized feet made large _booms!_ as he entered. The windows and pictures shook. Hell, the whole house shook.

"Hello to yeh," he said, waving. As he stood up straight, his head nearly touched the ceiling. Lord, who is this man? "I'm Hagrid. Keeper of Keys and Groundskeeper of Hogwarts." Oh he's Hagrid. What the hell is a Hagrid? He eyed the trunk. "I see yer packed. Ready t'go?"

Oh dear God, his grammar. I hope everyone doesn't talk like this. I nodded curtly and picked up my cauldron. "Bye, Aunt Mabel."

"So, Elena, how old are yeh?" Hagrid asked when we got onto the bus. Yes. A bus. If this giant man really was a wizard, than why didn't we Apparate or fly? I eyed Hagrid out of the corner of my eye. Let's face it, Hagrid probably surpassed the weight limit on brooms several hundred pounds ago.

"Fourteen," I mumbled.

"Hmm?"

"Fourteen," I said a little bit more clearly.

Hagrid's eyebrows furrowed in confusion. "But it says that yer registered for yer fifth year."

Great. So now only will I be the new girl, but I'll be the new girl in the most difficult year. Fabulous. "Well, I'm turning fifteen next week." And I had plans with Taylor and Devin to go see Mumford and Sons at their low-key concert at the Pretty Parrot next week.

"Yer probably not going to even be in fifth year classes, anyways."

Because I'm a dumb rock.

"And there's no way yeh could take yer O. properly with such little training."

Nope. Didn't I tell you that I was a dumb rock?

"But luckily yer going to Hogwarts. They'll catch yeh up in no time."

Because Hogwarts is a pro at educating dumb rocks.

I pursed my lips. "I can only hope so," I said as sweetly as possible.

Three awkward hours, another bus and a boat later, I stood on Hogwarts' front steps staring at the huge oak doors in front of me. In around thirty steps, I'll actually be a student here. That means I'm thirty steps away from my new life, and miles and miles away from my old one.

If only Taylor could see me now.

I dragged my trunk up the steps. A woman with grey hair pulled tightly into a bun opened the door. Her lips were caught in a permanent grimace. She surveyed me like I was a moldy steak and sighed and held open the door. "Come in, Miss Bowman. We've been expecting you."


End file.
